Last Saturday, my son left for summer camp, something he’s done since he was 8 years old. In the past, we’ve driven up to North Carolina, dropped him off at his summer home and left without hardly a goodbye and definitely no hugs. This year, it was different. For starters, he is now in his counselor era. Suddenly, my little guy is in charge of 10 or so pre-teen boys. WHAT? He barely remembers to wear his retainer; how is he going to supervise a group of younger kids? Wasn’t he just a camper last week?

He goes away every summer. Why has this past weekend left me in my feelings? Leaving for camp marks what I have been calling “the beginning of the end.” He will be away 8 weeks, come home for two, and then leave for college. We’ve been waiting his whole life for this moment, and now that it has arrived I’m suddenly ready to turn the clock back and start all over. Circumstances made his departure quick and without a second thought. After all, he’s spent his summers away for YEARS. He left with my husband in the car; within seconds I was crying. Wow - was not expecting that. 

In my head, I thought we had more time together. We’ve become closer this past year.  The “I’m a teenager and hate my parents” phase came to an end and we shared so many experiences and conversations. I was beginning to enjoy him in my life. Now, our relationship will change again. He won’t spend more than a few weeks at home for many years, if at all. Starting this year, he will spend more weeks in North Carolina than he will in Georgia. And after that, who knows? 

I’m going to miss coming home in the evening, knocking on his door, and being able to share our days, or just get a hug. I am even going to miss the eye rolls, the “leave me alones” and the messes on his bedroom floor. Maybe I won’t miss the laundry or the backpack in the kitchen. I can’t believe it came so quickly.  One day, we were enjoying all the senior things and graduation and before I knew it, he was off to camp, and I was left with the realization that this is really it.  Is this really the beginning of the end? That’s pretty dramatic. It’s more like the new normal. Where I have more time, where I can focus on work, and spend more time with my husband. We still have one at home who demands pretty much all of my attention a lot of the time. I admit that’s a nice distraction. However, it doesn’t take away the hole that has been left in our home and my heart.

I know he’s ready to go. In fact, I know he’s going to have a blast this summer and thrive in college. It’s what he needs; a few more weeks at home with us would only be to appease me. I also know in a few months time I may forget that I ever felt this void. Nothing gives me greater joy than seeing my children happy and doing what they love. But, I’m just not there yet.